Ich Liebe Mich und ich bin immer fur mich da
by Casix Thistlebane
Summary: (Slash) a brief "missing scene" look into Xander's quality time with... himself in The Replacement


Author's note: Another oldie, again, circa FIFTH season. Oh, and I mentioned I've gone through lots of nome de plumes, right? Well, rather than have "Loo" get his own membership, "we've" decided to stick some of "his" oldies right here.  
  
This story may be a little disturbing for some readers. Please, make note of the rating?  
  
Title: Ich liebe mich (und ich bin immer für mich  
  
da....)  
  
Author: Loo Thompson  
  
Disclaimer: Buffy and Co. are all property of Fox, the WB, and creator Joss Whedon. I sincerely doubt anyone would ever pay money for this fic.  
  
Spoilers: the Replacements  
  
Rating: R (slash)  
  
Summary: a brief "missing scene" look into Xander's quality time with... himself....  
  
Ich liebe mich  
  
(und ich bin immer für mich da....)  
  
by Loo Thompson  
  
"We're completely identical."  
  
"Yeah, we checked out some stuff in the car on the way over... fingerprints!"  
  
--Xander/Xander, "The Replacement"  
  
"Swirl on right index finger?"  
  
"Yep."  
  
Xander leaned forward in the back of Giles' BMW, peering at his hand. "Little scar on middle finger from playing irresponsibly with Buffy's weapons?"  
  
"What?" Xander looked at him, confused, but then nodded. "Oh, scar, right." He checked his middle finger. "Check."  
  
"Well, our hands are identical, and our faces...." Xander turned to him. "Open your mouth."  
  
Xander dropped his jaw.  
  
"Crown on the twelve years. Huh." He looked back up into his eyes. "This is awesome!"  
  
Xander grinned. "How far down do you suppose the similarities go?"  
  
"If Buffy and Riley are right, all the way. Physically, psychologically... you just have no self-confidence, coordination, or fashion sense."  
  
"You know, if that weren't true, I might have to be insulted." Xander looked thoughtfully out the window. "I'm not sure about this whole thing. I mean, how do I KNOW you're not evil?"  
  
"Well, Buffy said--"  
  
"She could be wrong!" He interrupted. "I mean, maybe the similarities cover only what we can see now? Maybe underneath you're all scaley and demonic! Or possibly metallic!"  
  
"I'm not a robot."  
  
"Prove it!"  
  
"How do you propose we do that? Maybe you're the demon-bot."  
  
"Fine!" Xander reached for the waist band of his pants. "We'll just have to strip and see."  
  
Xander pushed his double back against the seat. "Hey, we're in a car. With Buffy and Riley in the front seat."  
  
"But we have to know--"  
  
"Hold on, I have an idea." Xander leaned forward between the seats, interrupting Buffy and Riley's quiet conversation. "Hey guys, if Willow's going to put us--me--whatever--back together, I'm thinking I've got to change."  
  
Riley nodded. "Good plan. Still got the clothes from last night?"  
  
"Back in the basement. Me and I will go grab 'em. Take no more than ten minutes."  
  
"That long?" Buffy frowned.  
  
"Gotta dodge the parents, and they might be in the wash."  
  
"Alright. We'll wait for you in the car."  
  
*****  
  
"No scales," Xander circled himself. "No metal parts," He patted himself on the lower back. "We are exactly the same."  
  
"Physically." Xander reached for the freshly dried yellow t-shirt. "We haven't determined mentally."  
  
"But if you're smarter--"  
  
"We'd still have a lot of the same thoughts and memories." Xander slipped the shirt over his head. "Tell me something only we would know. Something we've NEVER told anyone."  
  
Xander blushed. "What if I don't want you knowing it?"  
  
"Odds are, I already do."  
  
The two Xanders looked each other over, and spoke simultaneously. "There's always the--"  
  
"Yeah." The shirted Xander said.  
  
"But we don't' think that— I mean, we aren't--"  
  
"Anya's proved that."  
  
"But curiosity--"  
  
"I know."  
  
The still nude Xander blushed furiously. "I, um, don't suppose you wanna--"  
  
"It would be enlightening."  
  
"And we might learn something, too."  
  
"We could tell Buffy and Riley that the clothes were still drying."  
  
"I'm sure they can entertain themselves...."  
  
"Oh, absolutely." The shirted Xander leaned back on the bed. "So, um, where do we start?"  
  
The nude Xander grinned. "Strip."  
  
*****  
  
und dann...  
  
*****  
  
"Well, that was--"  
  
"Very confusing."  
  
"But not wholly bad."  
  
"And yet, I feel strangely unfulfilled."  
  
"Obviously we're not--"  
  
"Attracted to ourself?"  
  
"Or other guys."  
  
"Dunno, Riley's friend is pretty good looking...."  
  
"I don't think he's out type."  
  
The Xanders lay side by side on the bed, staring at the ceiling.  
  
"You know what?"  
  
"Hm?"  
  
"If I had to have a fist time with a guy, I'm glad it was with me."  
  
"It's quite a narcissistic idea, really. Something to think about when we're myself instead of ourself."  
  
"Huh."  
  
"The semantics of this whole experience are mind-boggling."  
  
"I'll say. I've only got one question."  
  
"Hm?"  
  
"What we just did: does that count as masturbation?"  
  
Xander blinked.  
  
"Um."  
  
They lay there a moment longer.  
  
"We should get going."  
  
"We should get dressed first."  
  
They stood, staring at two piles of clothes; one wet, muddy, and generally disgusting, and the other pristine.  
  
"Am I the clumsy one or the suave one?"  
  
"I can't tell now that we're not wearing the clothes."  
  
Xander stepped toward the clean pile, tripped over a shoe, and bashed his knee on the tv.  
  
"Well," the other Xander remarked, "that answers that question."  
  
They dressed quickly, and headed back to the car before Riley's sucking power could overcome Buffy's healing ability again.  
  
"Hey," the dirty Xander remarked on the way out, "do you suppose, if Anya hadn't gone home to put her gun away, she would have...."  
  
The Xanders stared off towards the car for a long moment, both coming to the same conclusion.  
  
"Nah...."  
  
The end  
  
Ich liebe mich (und ich bin immer für mich da....)= I love me (and I am always there for me) 


End file.
